Our visit with the Cardinals

  Well you knew I’d get around to it eventually, I have to tell you about our fabulous weekend. 

We started out Saturday morning & as my hubby & daughter slept, I drove the wonderful 3 hour drive to St. Louis.  We arrive around 10 am & I go to check in the hotel.  See I realize that the check-in time is normally later in the afternoon, but I figured I’d give it a shot.  I was promptly informed there would be no checking in (at least not then) because they were people still occupying my room.  Normally, a hotel would put you an another room- nope not this one.  I guess that’s what you get for 2-star $67 hotel in Arnold, MO.  (Note to self- book early & stay in Downtown St. Louis- much better service……..) 

So anyways, we go & eat, check out the Walgreens in Arnold because the genius that I am- I came all the way to St. Louis w/ a dead phone.  Normally this would be no big deal- I’d just hook it up to my car charger & go on.  Wait- where the hell is my car charger?  Oh yeah, in the bag I took to Memphis earlier this week. (Another note to self- never remove car charger from car- EVER AGAIN).  So, thinking that crisis is adverted- we go back to the hotel.  It’s now an hour past check out- so I figured I’d be in the clear.  Nope- not so lucky.  After some haggling on my part- I get the desk clerk to let me check in & leave.  Finally- I have a freaking room…..

Once that was straightened out, we headed to the stadium.  I quickly realized that there was a bit of a line to get into the Fiesta (apparently I’m not the only one who thought this kids crew thing was a good idea…..).  We decided to all wait together on the off chance that maybe Jonathan could get in with us.  See the only catch to this stuff is that only one adult can go with the child- guess who got left out, Jonathan.  That’s okay, as I was about to learn- that was probably the best decision I had made. 

Shelby & I enter the fun land of Busch Stadium.  We promptly get our card punched & pick up our free gift.  Then we try to decide what to do next.  Shelby wants to go play, Momma wants to get autographs.  Who do you think wins?  If you said me, you’re dead wrong.  See she’s my kid for a reason- she acts just like me.  I convince her that we should go & tour the dugout- I win this small battle.  She’s intrigued by the dugout- I’m drooling at the fact my ass is sitting where some of the Cardinals do.  I give in after this tour & let her play on the moon walk.  While at the moon walk, Shelb sees all the commotion going on around Rick Ankiel.  This makes her realize she does want to wait in line for the autographs & I proceed to run as fast as I can to get in line. 

We arrive in said line at 1:56pm.  Why do I know that?  Because I called Jonathan to gloat that I got my way (see I really do act like I’m five sometimes).  I start chatting with the lovely woman in front of me who has done this many times before.  We wind our way down the ramp to the front of the line.  When we get close, it’s time for the autographs to be over.  The cart to pick Ankiel up hasn’t came yet, so now we’re in freak out mode.  You see, Shelby has like 10 kids ahead of her.  If she can just make it to the usher, she will get an autograph.  The whole time we were in line, this kid (about 12 or so) was behind us with his dad.  He kept trying to cut in front of Shelby- to no avail thanks to me.  When we get close to the front- the kid tries to cut in front of Shelby.  (Yes his dad was watching all of this & doing nothing to prevent his kid from cutting- FUCKER)  Shelby catches on to what he’s doing & in total momma fashion turns around to this kid & says

“You’re NOT cutting in front of ME!”  I’ve never been prouder.  Needless to say- she got her autograph!!!

The game was great- the Cards kicked some Cincy ass & we had a wonderful weekend. Except for the damn smoke alarm in the hotel that started going off because we were showering- FOR 15 GODDAMN MINUTES IN MY EAR!!!!!!!!!!  Oh, & the fact we drove all this way without air conditioning in my car.  But hey, I did spend quality time with my hubby & daugther (& my Cardinals!)

Four years ago today……

 I lost my daughter.  I really thought that I would be able to get back to normal- my body has somewhat, but my emotions are still out of whack.  I know that I’ll never forget her, but I just thought that I would honestly be okay. 

I feel like apart of me died that day & I can’t ever get it back.  I may sound selfish, but I want my naiveness (is that a word?) back.  The thought never crossed my mind that anything would go wrong when I was pregnant & now- 4 years later I know that fact all too real.  I also struggle with the fact that I can’t get pregnant naturally & it frustrates the hell out of me.  This process is supposed to be simple, why can’t it be that way for me? 

Why don’t I have a 3 & 1/2 yr old right now?  Why am I not normal yet?  All of these questions go through my head & I wish I had an answer for them.  I still feel like I’m in that cold waiting room with Jonathan crying my eyes out- saying goodbye to the daughter I won’t get to meet face to face for (god willing) a very long time. 

Dammit- life just isn’t fair………………

Sadness

  This is a picture of a man I knew.  He, his wife, Jonathan & I used to be pretty good friends.  Over the years, we’ve gone our separate ways, but the news I heard today shook me to my core.  He was killed in a freak accident Saturday night.  He was only 26 years old & has two small children & a wife left behind. 

When I heard this, I just couldn’t believe it.  I honestly don’t know what I would do if this happened to me.  I don’t just mean financially- I mean emotionally too.  I just can’t help but think about all he’s going to miss out on in his children’s lives. 

I know that it’s something that we cannot control, but we also can’t ignore it.  I will now re-evalutate how we live & make sure that if something happens to either one of us, we’ll be okay.  I’ll start writing letters to Shelby & Jonathan & I’ll look into life insurance. 

It’s times like these that make me love my family & appreciate them even more. 

It’s Labor Day!!!!

 I grew up in a small town in Northeast Arkansas.  What is our claim to fame?  Our annual Labor Day Picnic.  No matter how much I try to distance myself from Rector, I can’t seem to do it.  This town will always have a place in my heart.

It’s actually pretty weird that I ended up growing up in Rector at all.  You see my mom is from Pensacola, FL.  She lived there til she was in her teens, then her family moved to Memphis, TN.  While living in Memphis, she met my dad.  My dad is from Maramaduke, AR- which is very close to Rector.  His entire family grew up there (all nine of the kids) & all went to school in Marmaduke.  So since my mom & dad met in Memphis (which is where both of them worked at the time), you’d think that I’d have grown up there.  Or you might conclude that I would grow up in the home towns of either parents, but alas Rector was where they chose to live.

Rector is your typical small town.  You have the few people in town who are stinking rich & the rest are just regular middle & lower class people.  We have a grocery store, a couple of factories (well until November last year we did- now just one), & all the mom & pop stores you could handle.  Just recently, we got a Sonic.  This was a big deal in my hometown.  We’d never had anything like that before.  Rector is moving on up.

But now that I’ve diverted from the original topic, I’ll get back to it.  The entire town gets excited about this holiday.  It normally goes unnoticed by most- except for the fact you have a day off work & the kids are out of school.  Not in Rector, no sir.  This means the kickoff of a major weekend of demolition derbys, rodeos, & pagents.  All culminated by the festivities on Monday, starting with the parade promptly at 9 am on Monday morning.  This is followed by the opening of the picnic (or carnval) at the park.  The day is filled with bingo, mingling amongst Rectorites & their families, barbeque from the Jaycees tent, more pagents & the day ends with the annual Miss Rector pagent. 

I’ve had many of labor days just like this one.  Spending time with my friends, meeting people from Rector who moved away & even recently- being able to come back & show off my new family.  I haven’t moved very far, I live in Paragould but I’ve left my Rector days behind me. 

I sometimes miss getting up & marching with the band in the parade, or even before that when I was riding on the floats with my church or the year I placed in the Jr. Miss Rector pagent.  I miss spending all day at the park with my friends riding rides til I threw up, eating good food & catching up on all the town gossip.  (Even though I lived there year round, you always found out great things during the picnic.)  There is something about this time in my life that no matter what I will look back fondly on.

I hope that Shelby has those same memories.  Paragould is much larger than Rector but it still has it’s own charm & character too.  We know spend our Labor Days at the Greene County Fair, but I still make an occasional appearance at Rector to catch up with old friends.  So as you sit at home enjoying your day off, think of all those small towns out there celebrating the very essence of the day.  I’ll be walking around enjoying the day too.

Oh what a wonderful day……

 It’s hot & I have no air in my car.  That’s right- no air.  Let me remind you that it is consistently over 98 degrees every day with the heat index even higher.  Why does the heat index count?  Because down here in the south- the humidity is what kills ya.  You walk outside & instantly start sweating.  This is really fun when you have leather seats in your car. (Note to self- never get leather seats AGAIN!) 

Well maybe that was a bit harsh- b/c I do love my leather seats, just not now because I have no air.  I’m going on about 2 weeks now without any.  What am I doing this morning- driving to St. Louis in said car.  Why on earth would I do that?  Because my love of the Cardinals & my daughter mean more to me than my car ride with no air.  (Did you notice the Cardinals came first- not intentional, well maybe……….. no really not intentional).

We, in a few hours, will be meeting some very famous Cardinals.  Shelby is a part of the Cardinals Kids Crew & near the end of every season, they have a Fiesta at the ball park.  During this fiesta (which you get into for FREE & get FREE FOOD), the Cardinals players come out & do autographs for the kids.  This is the neatest thing ever- for her & ME.  I’m a huge Cardinals fan & I’m turning my daughter into one too!!!  I couldn’t be more happy with that fact. 

So think of us in a few hours- Shelby & I will be face to face with some of the most famous men in MLB – bonding together.  I also promise not to try to molest Scott Rolen (but only because my daughter is going to be with me!)

Less Qualified

 Yeah, that’s what it said beside my applications at St. Jude.  So that means the wonderful degree that I have won’t get me a job there.  I’m still holding out hope for some jobs at UAMS, but not much.  I hate that I went to school & I have nothing to show for it. 

Why did I even bother with going to school?  I mean seriously, what has it gotten me?  Let’s see- about $18K in student loans, rejected by Medical School, rejected by Pharmacy School, rejected by jobs, & oh- making me too qualified for some jobs.  WTF?  I just wish I would’ve looked ahead to the possibility that I WASN’T gonna get into med school & decided on a different major.  Maybe then I would actually be able to get a freaking job.  So, word to the wise- a BS in Biological Sciences will get you nowhere if you don’t get into professional school.  Boy does it sure look good on a resume though………

Sorry so quiet

Sorry I’ve been so quiet the past few days.  I’ve had a lot of work to do (yeah shocker I know!) & just didn’t have time to update any this week.  I’ll have tons for you tomorrow I’m sure- I have a few blogs that I’m working on at home.  I promise to get back to my usual banter soon.  Til then, read up on some blogs you may have missed & I’ll write more tomorrow!!!

Can I do this?

I’ve been thinking this alot lately.  Can I really do this?  Can I watch someone in love in so much pain- knowing there’s nothing I can do to help them?  Can I really watch them die?  All of these questions & many more have been rolling through my head over the past couple of days. 

The reason why all these questions are going through my head is because I have to be the strong one.  My mom can’t handle all of this & I have to be the one for her to turn too.  I also have to be strong for Shelby & my brothers.   The last time I dealt with a family member going through this, I was nine.  My mom & dad were strong for me & I could just break down.  I lost my grandpa then & now I’m facing losing my uncle.

When I lost my grandpa, I grieved but I also realized he had lived a full life.  He had 9 children & had lived to see all of them have grandchildren.  Hell, he even lived to see great-grandkids & he was 60 when he died.  He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer & we thought that everything would be okay.  We were wrong.  He died four months after his diagnosis. 

I still remember watching my grandpa- a man who worked very hard- be reduced to nothing.  He just looked so bad & I’ll never forget the last time I saw him.  When they closed the casket after the funeral- he had my grandma’s & my lip prints on his forehead where we kissed him for the last time.

I’m not ready to do that again.  I really & truly don’t know how to prepare my family for this.  Shelby has never really dealt with death before.  Jonathan’s grandpa died last year, but she wasn’t really that close to him.  She is very close to my uncle & I know that this will just break her heart.  How do I do this?  How do I keep myself together?  I don’t have the answers, but I’m hoping to find them soon.

The news is not good

Well we received the diagnosis just a few hours ago.  It was not good- the cancer has metastisized to almost every bone in his body.  He has a tumor on his T-6 vertebra- which is the main concern right now.  If this one is to go on, it can compress his spinal cord & he could wake up paralized. 

We are in shock right now, but we had also prepared ourselves for the worse.  We know have to meet with a radiologic oncologist & a medical oncologist next week to discuss his treatment options.  We know for sure that he has to have radiation for the tumor in his thorasic vertebra, but from there we don’t know the course they’ll take. 

We have been transferred to one of the best clinics for cancer- The West Clinic.  I’ll let you know more as I do.  Please keep us in your thoughts & prayers.

Update- with more to come

As I wrote earlier this morning- my uncle had an appointment for a SPECT scan & a CAT scan.  We arrived at the diagnostic center early & awaited the testing.  They called him back & performed the CAT scan & sent him back out into the waiting room.  We didn’t think anything about it- we figured they knew what they were doing. 

I had done a little research on SPECT scans last night because I didn’t know how they were performed.  For more information- you can click here. I saw that he needed to be injected with the nuclear meds & have it rotate through his system for 3 hours before the test could be performed. I’m sure this would’ve been the first thing they did if- Nurse Wendy Idiot knew her head from a hole in the ground.  For those new to the site, you can read about our previous run in’s with her here.

This canadate for “nurse of the year” didn’t write out the orders right.  This means that the diagnostic center had NO IDEA that my uncle was to have a SPECT scan today.  They informed us that they had to order the meds (which would take an hour) & then even if they could get the meds- the machine is not working.  We called the doctors office & they sent us to a hospital to have the test performed.  We were told everything would be waiting for us when we arrived.

Wrong again.  Nurse Dumbass fucked up those orders too.  When the admissions woman (who was a very lovely girl) called her to inform her of this mistake- she said she would fix it.  You see, if the orders weren’t correct, he couldn’t get the test done.  Twenty minutes roll by- no new orders.  The admissions lady had called the doctor’s office SEVERAL times.  Each time, she was transferred to Nurse Idiot’s voicemail.  The admissions lady asked us to call the doctor’s office & see if we could get the orders- since she was trying with no avail.  We called & got to speak to Nurse Dumbass directly.  She insisted that she did it right (to the tone of getting rude with not only us but the admissions woman- who had the wrong orders in her hand) until she realized- “Oops, I did mess those up.  I’ll get those right over to you.”  For once, she actually did what she was asked to do.

Now we wait til 3- when he will have the test run & then hope the doctor can still see us today.  Nurse Dumbass has assured us he will be there- you don’t wanna know what will happen if he’s not.  I’ll update when we get back & thank you to those who have made it this far!